We’ve got a strict ordinance here at The Aural Times, as well. We call it the No Puppies statute. It doesn’t address critters in general so much as images of critters incorporated into motivational posters. Anyone who puts up a pictures of a kitten dangling from a tree limb, subtitled with a cheerful “Hang in there!”; anyone who moves about the office bearing on their chest a picture of a baby dalmation; anyone who waggles about a mug with a soaring eagle or a winking owl or, god help them, a marmot—is fired.
Now, that may seem harsh. “Eagles”, you says, “are patriotic!” I’m not one to dismiss out of hand the pride and dignity of our American Avian (though consider old Ben Franklin’s proposed candidate for that title—the turkey), nor what one could rightly call healthy patriotism. But kitschy posters drawn up from the saccharine dreams of Bette Midler fans, employing wide-spanned birds in an effort to portray to me, visually and verbally in poster form, that I, or anyone else in this office, is the wind beneath some other staffer’s wings? Fired. Fired, fired, fired.
Insofar as inspirational posters go, here’s some folk eteymology for you: “Patriotic” is, in this case, a foreshortened blend of “Patronizing” and “Neurotic”, the two qualities which seem to come together, like Batman and Robin, to assault office-goers with these schmaltzy, brain-melting missives. Courage? Endurance? Fired.
And so I applaud the City Council of Homer, Alaska; may a scarcity of eagle snapshots, like freedom, ring.
