All stories categorized as sports
Schwarzenegger To Play Ping Pong Match Against 80 Year Old Ping Pong Champ
story photo
Ping pong paddles

Byng Forsberg
Challenged Schwarzenegger
To a ping pong game

As a condition
For a donation
To his re-election campaign

Governer Schwarzenegger
To play ping pong match
Against 80-year-old
Ping pong champ

portrait of the Editor
Editor's Note
Josh Millard
Editor-in-chief
August 7th, 2006

That’s a paddlin’ — California Governor to play ping pong with 80-year-old champ. Two questions remain: does Arnold possess the ping pong acumen to defeat the octogenerian kingpin, and if so will his political sensibilities override his famously competitive spirit? Regardless, I think it is safe to say that no matter the final score, we are all winners.

Several hundred miles north of Lodi, the office is still quiet, absent of both the chattering of stoned 20-somethings and the beeps and bloops of that infernal (and regrettebly expensive) NewsBot machine responsible for last Friday’s musical SNAFU.

It is too quiet, even, though it pains me to admit it. I have, in fact, been interviewing some new blood. Exhibit A: Jonny B, as seen in today’s feature photo. It is worth noting that, when asked to pose with the ping pong paddles, he insisted that he do so shirtless. It is also worth noting that this did not get him the job, a fact not wholly uninfluenced by the revelation of a “LaRouche 4 Evah” tattoo writ across his shoulder blades.

The search continues.

Ghana Boots US From World Cup
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Ghana's secret weapon

We're goin'
Oh we're goin'
Goin' goin'
Goin' Ghana
Yes we're goin'
Goin' Ghana
In the World Cup

While heavily favored
We never led
We trailed desperately
Instead
The US is goin'
Goin' Ghana
In the World Cup

With two players
Now retired
In defeat we're
Sadly mired
Oh yes we're goin'
Goin' Ghana
In the World Cup

The US is goin'
Goin' Ghana
America's goin'
We're goin' home home home
Yes we're goin'
Goin' Ghana
In the World Cup

portrait of the Editor
Editor's Note
Josh Millard
Editor-in-chief
June 26th, 2006

We’re Number…Out! Ghana beat US 2-1, ejecting US in the first round of the World Cup.

Today’s issue is brought to you by guest correspondent Alex “yes relation” Millard—and his fabulous octet choir. Alex is available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, “or whatever, if the money’s right.”

This may be our last World Cup update—or, as one of the Interns, Berklie, has been insisting I write, “Worldcupdate”—pending any new and truly interesting news beyond small differences between two integers, of course. Should a truck strike someone midgame, you might hear about it.

Ghana Team Upsets Czech Republic
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Ghana players celebrate victory

Ghana team
upsets
Czech Republic

portrait of the Editor
Editor's Note
Josh Millard
Editor-in-chief
June 19th, 2006

Ghana getcha—Ghana’s football team scores 2-0 World Cup victory over Czech Republic.

We’re not very sports-conscious here at The Aural Times. Now and then the Interns will strike up a game of hackysack or frisbee—which I wish they would do outside—but in general they specialize in, if any thing, a sort of competitive sloth. I have seen slouching matches that would make a strong man wince and rub his coccyx, and—oh, stop giggling, Gregor! It means tailbone! It’s a perfectly legitimate—

No, tail and bone aren’t funny either.

There is a great deal more material available in the Archives.
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